i know. i know. I KNOW!!! it’s awful. i mean, it’s seriously beyond awful but it’s also hilarious! so sometimes i watch ‘dance moms’ with one or both of my daughters and we just laugh and make fun of it, frequently with expressions similar to will smith’s family watching miley cyrus at the vma’s.
okay, seriously – are these people for real? because you can’t help but think they can’t be possibly that horrid. it must be all a big show for the cameras. i hope. because these women are a nightmare! starting with the studio owner, abby lee miller. all she cares about is winning. that’s it! and money, i suppose. she’s mean and bossy and thinks nothing of insulting and humiliating young children. so, she starts every rehearsal with this ridiculous pyramid where she slowly reveals photos of each girl, while naming all of their faults. then one dancer gets the great honor of being on the top of the pyramid and the rest of the girls (and their moms) are left to feel inadequate and jealous. but after a while i get to thinking… this is brilliant! being myself both a dance teacher and a dance mom i could totally do this pyramid thing before class starts and put my own daughter on top every week!! i just dare the other moms to say anything – bwahaha! yeah, we’ll just see who gets the good parts in my next choreography. i suggest they all just keep quiet. my daughter may lose a few friends because of it but who cares?! it’s all about fame and fortune and being on top of the pyramid ; )
and then there are the moms, each one more terrifying than the last. from the overly smug one who’s daughter is always on top of the pyramid, to the pretty yet bitchy one who has some weird need to prove she’s a better dancer than her 7 year old, they all seem so desperate for fame that they are willing to exploit their children and subject them to daily humiliation and verbal abuse from the dreaded abby lee. they constantly yell and cry and fight and… i kind of love them! i do. you want to know why? because they make me look good. if any of you happen to own a pre-teen daughter you know that the very fact you exist is a total embarrassment to the poor child. but i’ve asked my daughter “what if me and the mothers of your dance friends acted like the ladies on ‘dance moms’?” well, first she totally cracked up and then said something along the lines of “i’d kill you!” and then we laugh some more and make up ridiculous ‘what-if’ scenarios where everyone at our studio acts insane. so, while i will never be as young/pretty/cool/stylish as all of my daughter’s friend’s moms, at least i’m not a botox face, crazy, screaming woman desperately living vicariously through my child.
i suppose something should be said about the dancing and choreography. while i’m reasonably appreciative of most dance styles i don’t really get the whole contemporary thing. i mean… it’s basically all the same dance but sometimes the steps are in a different order. every solo dance has a few whacking high kicks, a bit of rolling about on the floor, a series of consecutive turns in second (these little girls can sure turn tho, i’ll give them that), and a few whacking split leaps. throw in the occasional desperate reaching gesture and heart clutches and you’ve got yourself a dance! so then you just change the music (from one slightly angsty pop song to a different slightly angsty pop song), change the costume and mix up the order of the steps a little and you have a whole new routine. brilliant. the same formula works for the group dances, only now and then one of the girls might break away from the group and do her own thing for a minute. only, if you’re abby lee you have to be a bit controversial by making the subject matter inappropriate for children. like dressing them in bras and feathers for the vegas showgirl piece. these girls are about 9 years old, maybe. or the piece where they all die in a car crash or the one where they all get kidnapped or murdered. i mean, wtf? but whatever, abby’s girls win almost every competition and that’s what it’s all about. never mind that these poor girls will probably either burn out or end up needing extensive therapy. never mind that dance is supposed to be an art and not a competitive sport. so, abby wins everything, abby makes tons of money and everybody on the show is famous. hooray!
i realize that this show is a pathetic embarrassment to the world of dance and the human race in general- but i have to confess that i kind of, sort of, a little bit enjoy watching it. maybe it’s because it’s gives me and my daughters something to laugh about together, maybe it’s because it makes me appreciate the lovely staff and families at the studio where i teach…. or maybe it’s just that train wreck thing where you just can’t seem to make yourself look away.